i'm going to have 7 years of bad love luck for that.

DAAAAYUUUUM.

since everyone is on my tumblr's nuts i think i'll post here.
i'm sooo confused at the moment.
i really think i have commitment issues.
why must i find something awful in someone who tries to get close to me? whyyy can't i get this other thing out of my head??
whyyyyyy


ok. lazy. bye.

i never post here anymore. damn you tumblr.
bawwwwwww.

"Patience is not your strong suit right now, but all these mind games are starting to get to you. You may have strong feelings for someone, but that does not mean they can toy with your emotions. Make your feelings known. "

life isn't fair. you were too young. you had your whole life.

we graduated together, shared classes, laughed and talked at lunch and nutrition. i could never remember you being too upset, always smiling and happy.

Life isn't fair. But it gives us reminders to take more care of the life we are given. I complain so much about the little things.
But you, you took things as they were given. I went to your myspace earlier and everything was happy. the word "smile" was everywhere. I can't imagine what you must have suffered through. I regret not keeping in touch with you.


Life gives us reminders to cherish the life we have. to not take things for granted. to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us because the next day they can be gone.

im so sorry you were my reminder. im so sorry for your closest friends and your family.

i'm so sorry you won't be here with us, i won't see you at reunions or hear from you on myspace or facebook. i have our high school memories. you were too young.

i can't think straight right now. you're in a better happier place right now. you have even more reason to smile.

i love you and RIP.

so obviously i bring this upon myself. i know i shouldn't. i should know by know what usually happens but i still do it.


:[

i'm going to try to not let this bother me anymore. thanks jeffrey for the really nice advice <3
and casey too.

“there will be a guy out there who knows you care too much so he’ll show up so you can care about him.
but just know love is patience. you cant have love. without the other” -jn

i finally put my hawaii pictures on flickr.
www.flickr.com/ohemgeecelina

my lazy ass is finally going to start posting pictures from hawaii.

here's some of my favorite. they were taken at the luau (where the food was amazing OH MY GOD!)
this guy makes his living playing with fire. fucking skills.

(click on them to see them bigger because lj is a bitch when it comes to posting pics -_-)












ironically, i feel like i'm playing with fire right now too.

DUN DUN DUN.

i’ve always had this fascination with North Korea, especially after seeing the National Geographic documentary (which can be seen here: http://www.onlinedocumentaries4u.com/2009/06/inside-north-korea.html). The fact that these people live in such a secluded piece of the world, the fact that they are prisoners, the fact that despite the photos, stories and voices that come out of this place, there is nothing that can be done to help.

Today i found out that North Korea’s top court has convicted two U.S. journalists, and sentenced them to 12 years in labor prison, the country’s state news agency reported Monday.



The Central Court tried American TV reporters Laura Ling and Euna Lee and confirmed their unspecified ”grave crime” against the nation, and of illegally crossing into North Korea, the Korean Central News Agency said.

It said the court — which tried the women from June 4 to 8 — ”sentenced each of them to 12 years of reform through labor.” The report gave no other details.

The U.S. Embassy in Seoul said it had no immediate comment.

The circumstances surrounding the trial of the two journalists and their arrest three months ago on the China-North Korean border have been shrouded in secrecy, as is typical of the reclusive nation.

There were fears that the two women would be used by Pyongyang as bargaining chips in its standoff with South Korea and the United States, which are pushing for U.N. sanctions to punish the nation for its latest nuclear blast and barrage of missile tests.

The journalists — working for former Vice President Al Gore’s California-based Current TV — were arrested March 17 as they were reporting about the trafficking of women. It’s unclear if they strayed into the North or were grabbed by aggressive border guards who crossed into China.

Gore spokeswoman Kalee Kreider did not have an immediate response to the sentencing.

The women cannot appeal as they were tried in North Korea’s highest court where decisions are final.

The sentences are much harsher than what many observers had hoped for. The trial was not open to the public or to foreign observers. (
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2009/06/08/world/AP-AS-NKorea-Journalists-Held.html?_r=1&src=twt&twt=nytimes)

my heart goes out to these women and their families. I cannot begin to imagine the horrors they have or are going to face.


i’ve spent the last hour or so looking at pictures and videos of North Korea, and i have a sort of emptiness in my soul. I want to go out and help. I want to show the world. There is so much more to life than our little problems. We take so much for granted, yet we have no idea what else lies out there. And yes, i am completely guilty of doing this. We complain at the smallest of things. We cannot possibly fathom the awful things people that aren't as fortunate as us deal with. Our lives are so small when it comes to the big retrospective of things. The world is scary. the things that happen because of one thing can lead to something else much worse. The world is so much bigger. I know i won't stop complaining about the small things, but i don't want to be oblivious to the bigger picture.

i want to help, i know i can’t change the world but if i could at least try…

there’s this cat that comes to my house every so often and it never fails to come over and meow, purr and turn over to let me rub his belly. he's the sweetest thing ever and his owners don't really care enough to make sure he stays put. i sat outside with him for an hour the other day, just taking pictures of him while he sat, slept, and talked to me.

being the animal freak i am i wanted to do what i thought was best for him.
i wish i could just grab him, clean him up, and keep him. never letting him outside where he could get hurt. He’d stay with me, warm, safe, and comfortable. this cat not only makes me happy to see but it also reminds me of who i am.

i want to have everything in control. i want everyone or everything around me ok. i go out of my way to make things ok. if someone's happy, i'm happy. if someone needs something, i try my best to do it. i know sometimes well it comes from a good place, it isn't supposed to be that way. but i just want things to be so fine i try to manipulate it into being the right way. i go out of my way to cheer up someone, to listen, to give advice. rarely do i get the favor returned. there are a few, but the amount of time and effort i put in for certain people, i don't get it back. but i don't usually think about getting the favor back. i can honestly say i care too much and don't know how to do that for myself. i know that's bad. but i feel like it's good too. how? i'm not sure yet, but i feel like it wouldn't be such a big part of my personality if it wasn't some good.

it’s my one of my biggest faults, putting everything but myself first and caring for everything but me.

but the more i think about it, it’s also one of my greatest strengths.

“ If only i knew…how little I actually understand about you, I would listen closer to your words, search out your thoughts, and seek to know the deepest desires of your heart. ”



- often times, i have this awful habits of judging people before i give them a chance to show their true self to me. i decide what to think of them based on something that might not be fair to judge them on. often times, i don’t give them another chance and i hold my judgements on them. i wish i knew how to sit back and not analyze what someone says or does. i’ve ruined many a relationship that way. if i could take back the feelings i’ve hurt because of my attitude, i would. i’m sorry i’ve never given some of you chances to tell me things that would make me like you. i’m sorry i’ve never given the chance to actually hear you. i can’t turn back the clock, i can only look to it as a second chance.

“ If Only I Knew… I would never hear your voice again, I would cherish your every word…every inflection of your voice with all my heart. ”



i think we take for granted the gift of listening. i know i do sometimes. without it, we wouldn’t be able to hear music, listen to our loved ones, or even enjoy the sounds around you. i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t hear music. it makes me whole. i can’t explain the feeling i get when i listen to a really good song. if i coudn’t hear music anymore, i think my life would lose some of it’s meaning. if i couldn’t hear my family speak, even though they irritate me with what they say, i would feel lost. if i couldn’t hear my friends laugh and talk, i would feel empty. i think we take for granted even the smallest sounds, birds chirping, trees blowing in the breeze. sound is what connects us. it what makes our lives richer. i’m trying to think of things i would want to hear if i knew i would no longer be able to hear. my list doesn’t end.

so i feel like i've been given a book to write. i've already written a whole bunch of things, crammed them all into one chapter. now i feel like someone has given me a whole bunch more pages. i'm supposed to write a new chapter. this chapter, i'm going to try to make it good. taking dr.A's advice, i'm going to enjoy things. i'm going to try to stop controlling what i can't. i'm surronding myself with people i love and want in my life. i'm going to just try to let things go for now, and enjoy what i do have. i know in a couple of months i'll close this chapter. and i'll start a new one, with probably a lot of hard things to put in. but for now i want to make sure i have a lot of good things in this chapter.
i think i'm starting it off right.











i'm looking forward to more nights like this.
summer, don't let me down.
life, hello. let's keep trying.

this hit me harder than it should of.
i know that there are a few people that believe in me.

i only wish one of those people was myself.

i want one of these so much.
damn me for working in a vet and wanting every single animal that walks in

my little sister is 14. we're 6 years apart. true, we don't get along but i try my best to look out for her. my parents say i have the "mother hen" mentality. meaning whatever she says or does that i don't like, i tell her and try to boss her into doing it the way i think is best.
anyways, she's at this age where she's so impressionable. her classmates, the internet, tv, and music is her guide to life. she talks in this way i hate to see. she acts like something i've seen annoying kids act.
her main "love" right now is hip hop/rap and it's not even good rap/hip hop music, it's the shitty kind that is all over the radio today that is her favorite. she talks so filthy, claiming she's only singing the songs. she acts like she's tough shit, saying her an her friends are in a gang. honestly, it's ridiculous and frustrating because despite my parents and i's attempts at changing her attitude, she keeps it up.
i know she's at the age were she's finding her teenage self and wants to fit in but it upsets me. i want to be this supportive sister to her but i always come off as this bossy bitch. i can only hope she finally gets it through her brain that this kind of way of acting is not good and she smartens up.

this makes me so amazed. younger kids are so impressionable. i feel so sorry for my sister's generation. it's a generation full of sex, drugs, alcohol. all being super cool and trendy to do under age. she confided to me that her neighborhood friends do drugs. seriously. it's outstanding that these babies are growing up in a world like this. i think, well where are the parents? but then i remember in this economy, more and more people are struggling to keep their jobs and are most likely putting more time into that.
i think the thing that bothers me the most with this is that she argues with me about music. she claims lil wayne and some random ass rapper named jim jones are the best thing in music. ever. that rap is the best and everything else is obsolete. the way she's thinking is ignorant but she can't help it. i grew up listening to all kinds of music and i can at least appreciate music. she only listens to this garbage and believes this is as good as it gets.
a world where the things in the media now are being shown as the best and only option is a world my sister is growing up in. she doesn't know the shows, music, or other things i grew up with.
this world now is funny.


& i feel old.

i sat in the kitchen crying the other night with my dad, telling him how the school things fell through, how i'm so worried about money and my stupid bills and how i just felt lost. i asked him "dad, seriously, what am i doing with my life?' he answered, "you're trying to figure it out. and you will" i'm honestly trying to figure out what i'm doing. not this very second, but with my life in general. i keep getting all these forks in the road and pot holes i just don't know if i should keep going on this path. i'm so frustrated with these same old routines. i want something more. last night was one really great night. i know it involved some stuff that shouldn't have been involved but honestly, i felt alive. i felt like anything was possible, that i wasn't just confined to the things i'm tied to all the time.

i want change but i'm scared of it

i want to experience new things, be tested, but at the same time, i'm scared of leaving this spot i'm in, even though it's proven not going anywhere.
i'm being reckless though, and i know it and won't stop it.
i'm endangering myself in ways that are subtle and don't seem like much. i'm not sure what or if i'm trying to prove something. i don't know a lot of things right now. i have this overwhelming sense of doubt that comes along with everything i do and think. i want to see results, but i'm scared of them. someone told me today that giving up never gets you anywhere, i want to believe that but i can't. i set myself up for giving up because let's face it, it's easier when you fail. no one gets too hurt. i don't really know what i'm saying anymore.
i look around and see my closest friends turning into something. doctors, lawyers, editors, artists, directors, you name it. and there's me. stuck in the same rut. stuck behind. my friends are making something of themselves and they're going places, i know it. i asked people where they saw themselves in 10 years. each person had an answer. i asked myself. i had no idea how to answer my own question. that scared me to the core. i can't even begin to tell you how that made me feel. i don't know what's going to happen 10 years or even 10 days from now. i want something great but i don't know how to get it or even if i have the strength.

i want to keep reminding myself of what my dad said. i want to believe the things my friends tell me, i want to shut out these feelings of failure and disillusion. i want to.


i want to look back at all these years and laugh. laugh and let myself be proud of the person i am and/or will be.

i'm trying.